Coping With Kids Going Off to College

You've waited so long for this day--your son or daughter is proudly off at college! In many ways, it is culture shock when a child leaves home for college and parents left behind may react in a variety of ways. If a parent is elated, they may immediately be measuring to turn the now vacant room into that hobby room they have always wanted. If a parent feels lonely and depressed, he or she may tend to sit home more often and wonder what to do with themselves. The goal for getting through this life change is to reach a happy balance.

Keep in touch….
Missing a loved one is okay—especially when you know that they are off bettering their lives. The key is to keep in touch with your student so that you don’t end up missing them too much. Now may be the time to learn instant messaging on the computer, or texting on a cell phone. Staying in contact with your student is very important, as is setting ground rules for how often you are going to communicate—maybe a phone call every Sunday evening when the family is together for dinner and a text or email once or twice during the week. Being able to communicate in a variety of methods gives you more freedom and will likely result in more effective communication with your student.

Try to look for small, inexpensive, yet meaningful things to send the student in an occasional “care” package. Their favorite chocolate bar, a gift card to a local area restaurant or coffee shop is a nice way to show that you are thinking of them and want them to be comfortable in their new surroundings.

A Life Outside of Family
You've spent many years of your life raising your child and now, all that hard work has paid off. You deserve some time for yourself, so do something that you have always put off doing. Keeping busy will keep your mind focused and occupied so that you won't have as much time to spend worrying about your student.  If you don't already have a job, this may be the perfect time to find one, even if it is just part time. You will not only earn some extra money, but may make new friends or learn a new skill.

If working is not for you, but you are still interested in learning, why not take a course or attend a class at a local community college. Look around your community and see what opportunities are right around the corner. Be careful not to overdo it though--sometimes a parent may have a tendency to do too many things. Some parents may go out every night or be so involved in activities that the rest of their family barely sees them because it's too lonely for them to be at home. Catch yourself if you feel you are starting to overdo it, and change your thinking paths.

Sending a child off to college is as much an adjustment for the parents as it is for the students. Look at this time of life as an opportunity to grow in more ways. You will always be a parent, regardless of how old your student is, so give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done, and take the time now to better yourself and your environment.

Signs Your Child is Academically Burnt Out

Studying, extracurricular activities, after school programs--is there a chance that your child may be academically burnt out? How can you tell? 

Causes of Academic Burnout
Many high schools put a huge workload on students and expect everyone to be an overachiever. There is often a competitive environment, and many teachers look down on students that simply do an adequate job. The combination of unending work and constant pressure eventually takes its toll on the psyches of some students. According to the Washington Post, a recent study by the Academy of Finland found that burnout seems to run in families. Students with burnout often have parents with similar feelings about their work, life, or financial situation. The reasons for this connection are unclear, but Scientists have theorized that it could be related to parenting techniques.

Signs of Burnout
Burnout is a gradual process that occurs over an extended period of time. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it can creep up on you or your child if you’re not paying attention to the warning signals. The signs and symptoms of burnout are subtle at first, but they get worse and worse as time goes on.

• Feeling tired and drained most of the time
• Lowered immunity, feeling sick a lot
• Frequent headaches, back pain, muscle aches
• Change in appetite or sleep habits
• Emotional signs and symptoms of burnout
• Sense of failure and self-doubt
• Feeling helpless, trapped, and defeated
• Detachment, feeling alone in the world
• Loss of motivation
• Increasingly cynical and negative outlook
• Decreased satisfaction and sense of accomplishment
• Withdrawing from responsibilities
• Isolating yourself from others
• Procrastinating, taking longer to get things done
• Taking out your frustrations on others
• Skipping work, school or activities or arriving late and leaving early

Avoiding Burnout
According to the experts, it's possible for students to avoid burnout by taking more breaks, spending more time on their social lives, and taking better care of their health so that they feel better. Think of the early symptoms of burnout as warning signs or red flags that something is wrong that needs to be addressed. If you pay attention to these early warning signs, you can prevent a major breakdown. If you ignore them, it may eventually lead to burn out.

Pressure Vs Support – a Guide for Parents of High School Students

For teens in the race to try to get into the colleges of their choice, the decision can be tormenting, and the process exhausting.  There’s always one more Advanced Placement course to squeeze in, one additional activity or one more sport to add to the list. As the pressure on high school students is pushed further and further, parents find themselves questioning how to provide support without causing pressure to succeed.

Every parent wants to figure out the balancing act between pushing students hard enough to succeed, but not so hard that they crack. Some students can easily handle multiple advanced classes and activities and athletics. But others cannot — and should not feel the pressure to do so at any cost, especially from their parents. While most colleges look for students who have succeeded in rigorous academic programs, they aren’t looking for a long list of them. Know what your teen is capable of and support them in doing the best they can at what they can.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Parents need not freak out all of the time about every little thing, and should save the freak-outs for the big stuff. One of the biggest stresses for students is the constant attention that parents pay to grades. For example, don’t freak out over one bad grade on a single test or project in a course, but instead give your teen the chance and encouragement to work their way back to a better overall grade in the course. The backdrops to the academic pressures are the social pressures students feel to fit in and to be considered “cool” and accepted. Sometimes social pressure can even be more intense than the academic pressure, and it sometimes comes more from parents than peers. Social pressure is one of the main causes for students to drink or try drugs to fit into a popular crowd and socially popular groups. It is also common for teens to abuse drugs and alcohol to withstand the pressure of their schedules and the expectations they face from parents. The best thing for parents to do is to not pressure teens to “be like” or “fit in with” certain groups or kids--let your kids choose their own friends and as long as they are not reckless or dangerous youth, trust their decisions.

Take time, step back
Teaching teens to live a balanced lifestyle will better prepare them for college and life than a hectic lifestyle packed beyond their capabilities. Both parents and students need to take time to evaluate their schedules and to choose coursework and activities that are meaningful and challenging — but not burdensome. Parents need to be in tune with their kids and they need to learn how to push, but not too much. And, more importantly, parents need to learn to let their children fail. There is no need to nag your teen about things they know that they need to do, like college applications and school projects. If it means that they have to stay up most of the night to meet a deadline, let them learn from it for themselves that the next morning isn’t going to be too much fun!

Resisting the Temptation to Be a Helicopter Parent

There are some phrases coined for certain parent personality types at colleges and universities throughout the country. One common token term is the "helicopter parent."

The Helicopter Parent - The Persistent Hoverer

A helicopter parent is one who hovers closely over their child's activities whether their child needs them or not. While their intentions are good, this interference can actually impede the progress of their child in school and other endeavors.

Attending college is an entry into adulthood, and this is a time when students need to start making most of their decisions themselves. Sometimes they will make the wrong decisions, but failing teaches success and is a necessary part of the life experience.

This is not to say taking an active interest in your child's education is a bad thing. Actually, research has shown that students whose parents take an active role in their child's education are better performing students.

So when does enough involvement become too much?

A common indication of helicopter style parenting includes statements such as, "We are planning to major in English," meaning both you and your student. Other examples include contacting your child's professor about their progress or communicating directly with their academic advisor without your child knowing about it.

A Perfect Balance

Finding the perfect balance between taking an active interest in your child's education and hovering too intently over them can be a challenge, but it is essential to understand the difference if you want your child to have the best chance of success.

While this may be hard to believe, some parents continue this hovering activity even after college graduation, going so far as to interfere in their child's professional life. Human resources departments at many businesses have become all too familiar with this behavior in recent years, even so far as parents attempting to negotiate their child's salary.

The important element to keep in mind is that if your involvement level is such that you are making the decisions rather than the student, you may be hovering. In order to mature, your child has to deal with life circumstances that land in their path. Removing the obstacles for them is not helping them; it is preventing their development into capable and mature adults.

Keeping an active interest in your child's education and life in general is an admirable parenting trait. Just keep things in perspective and remember that sheltering your young adult from life's circumstances is not helping them learn to survive.

Your student's college years are a time for them to come into their own and learn to make decisions and work through problems themselves, although they will most always seek your valuable advice occasionally and when they do, feel free to give it to them.

College is Educational for the Parents, Too

Every parent starts asking themselves questions when their college bound high school student looms closer and closer to graduation day. Is he/she going to be dedicated enough in college to study hard and make the right grades? Is he/she ready to live away from home? Have we chosen the right school?

One of the most commonly asked questions is "Will we be able to afford all the expense associated with a college education?" It is very easy to become so concerned with the expense issue that many parents tend to forget they have a living and breathing individual heading into the world for the first time, many times feeling alone, scared, and afraid of failure.

Armed with Values

If you are like most parents of teens graduating from high school, you have attempted to instill a sense of duty and responsibility into your child.  You've probably given speeches about how class studies are more important than love interests and extra curricular activities.  If you didn't do this before the senior year of high school, you may have waited too late to make a real impact.

If we expect our children to grow into sensible, respectable, dependable, and trustworthy adults, we have to mold those attributes from an early age. If we want our child to behave like a mature adult, we have to give them some chances to become one before they ever leave home.

What the future high school graduate needs from the parents is some trust and understanding.  As parents often face a financial hardship when teens go to college, the college students are facing some difficulties, too.  Adjusting to life away from everything familiar is tough for anyone, and how a parent supports a child during that process has a great deal to do with the student's success or failure.

Know When to Criticize

A parent has to be balanced between pushing for good grades and consoling their student when grades aren't achieved as desired.  The fact is most freshmen college students have lower scores than they had in high school at the outset.  This doesn't mean expectations of high marks are impossible, but it is realistic to assume that early scores won't be the best.

A teen may lose respect for a condescending parent who is highly critical of their early efforts at college class work.  Reactions can cause a void much wider than the distance between home and college. All of us undergo an adjustment period when we experience significant lifestyle changes, and embarking into college life is no exception.

Don't Be a Mother Hen

Being overly protective and hovering around campus too much is another fault of some parents.  Your student may be a little apprehensive and uncertain when they first go away, but they do not want to be viewed as fragile by their peers; would you?  If you as a parent are asked to come and visit, that is one thing; but inviting yourself, especially if often, gives the impression that you believe your young adult is still a child.

Many teenagers go to college and do little more than attend parties and goof off.  They do not last long in the pursuit of a college education because their goals and objectives are unfocused.  A student who is trying and putting forth effort deserves the benefit of the doubt as they settle in and figure out what adjustments they need to make to improve grades and achieve their goals. As hard as it may be at times, parents must be patient, understanding, and motivational.